3:45 am - 22 April, 2003
Hanging On
It seems that all I ever write about these days is guys.
But, really...can I help it if they happen to be giving me a lot of grief right now? Not really. So I'll just continue to write about guys and hope that something else comes along to take my mind off of them.
Christian is...well...what the hell can I say about Christian? I'm in this constant battle with myself about the whole thing. Part of me (the one that is most likely correct) says it's never going to happen and I'm only hurting myself by hanging on like this. Then there's the majority of me that hopes that maybe, just maybe, there is something special there and I just have to be patient enough to let him realize it. Of course, this is almost certainly bogus and I only want to believe it because the idea of giving up on him is entirely too painful. I tried it for a week--I was miserable. Of course, it doesn't help that he continues to dangle this non-existant carrot infront of my nose...making little comments here and there that could mean something...
Damn.
I sound just like a certain other individual who has it bad for someone who just isn't interested in them like that.
Just another perfect example of how I give great advice that I fail to follow.
I guess I really should listen to my own advice and get over him...it's just so hard because I don't want to. I want to have whatever I can with him because it's better than nothing. Which it really isn't, because I can get over him...I hope...and once I do, it won't hurt any more...in theory...
Fuck, I've never had it this bad for anyone. I thought it was bad when a guy made me cry once. I thought I had it bad for Matt...but that was nothing compared to this. I'm so in love with him and I can't do a thing about it but wish he felt the same.
Damnit, this sucks...
Okay, enough feeling sorry for myself. I let myself get into this mess and I'm just going to have to deal with it. Something will happen eventually to push it one way or the other.
On a positive note, The Complex comes out today!!! Hoorah! I should be getting a happy package any time now. Hooray for packages!
