2:45 am - 17 March, 2003
Allowing myself to become the victim
It's been a few days. I've been in Oklahoma, visiting my friend, Katie. It was much with the fun...but also very exhausting.
It's also really weird how Katie and I can go months without seeing each other, and then when we do get to hang out, it's as if we do so every day. I love Katie. Krystle and I need to go visit her more often.
Last night, while we were up there, I got a phone call. My phone was off, because it was almost dead, so I didn't know about it until this morning when I checked my voicemail. It was Kevin. And he left a message. Now, what the hell am I supposed to make of that?? I think he just gets a kick out of fucking with my head. I don't know what to think. I refuse to get my hopes back up, because I don't want to deal with this shit. Of course, this means I already have my hopes up, and have had them up ever since I heard the words "Hey, it's me, Kevin." Stupid prick.
I really should go to bed. Or work on my English paper. Or something...but I'm talking to Christian.
Why do I always fall for the guys who just want a piece on the side...or don't even know what they want, but it certainly isn't a relationship?
How do all these girls find boyfriends they can be happy with at least 50% of the time? Where are the single guys that don't want to be single?
I allow myself to be hurt now, but then I instinctivly try to put up the wall, but I can't let that happen. I cannot cease to feel again.
So instead, I deny myself any form of self defence. And just as I begin to heal, another wound is made. And so I become the victim of The Game.
What I need to learn is how to accept the pain without victimizing myself. Rather than simply tear down the wall, I have replaced it with this self-victimization shit...which is what is leading to my desire to throw up the wall. In which case, I have a half-living self-victimized soul, shut up behind a wall of hatred for those who have hurt me.
That doesn't sound too appealing, thanks. I'm not a victim. I simply haven't found someone I am interested in, who wants what I want. And I have allowed myself to fall for guys who do not want the same thing I do. It sucks, but that's life. I'll find someone eventually. Until then, I'll continue with this emotional massochism. That, at least, lets me know I'm alive.
