2:12am - 04 March, 2003
Release
I'm really glad Christian and I had that talk last night. One would think that I'd be all bent out of shape about him not wanting a *serious* relationship and stuff, but I'm really not. Obviously I'm dissapointed, but I can't say I'm entirely unhappy with the situation.
I've been going over the whole thing in my head all day long--why I'm so happy about everything and not moping around, wishing he would have me--and I've come to the conclusion that I am happy about it because the conversation was long overdue, and it could have quite easily been an absolute disaster. However, it was not forced, and came about on it's own, which I think is important...and there was no pressure. The conversation itself went really well, and there's no residual crapulance from it, so that's a big plus. It's also a huge relief to finally know where he's coming from. I don't have to keep guessing and trying to figure out what happens next. I mean, I think I know exactly where he's coming from...or at least pretty damn close...from what I've understood of his ramblings, it sounds like he's in the same place I was before he pulled me out of it. So I know there's nothing I can do but wait...it's entirely in his hands.
I've also been thinking about why I'm not so upset about him not wanting a *serious* relationship. A lot. Of course, the whole relief of knowing has a lot to do with it, but I think it goes deeper. Going back to the place I was in before the concert...I realize that before Christian, I ran from love. I didn't like it, and wanted nothing to do with it. It was a four-letter-word. But since that night, and the months-long internal battle that followed, I have been able to open up to people a lot easier. I've grown so much as a person in the past few months, it astounds me. Krystle also has a lot to do with it, but I think it may also have contributed to our becoming even more unbelievably close.
Man, this is some tangent!
Anyway, the point is, I've finally broken down the wall, and no amount of dissapointment about the label Christian and I do or do not put on our relationship can detract from that. And I love him all the more for it. Life is good...I'm free of my most troublesome baggage, and Christian and I will just carry on as we have for the past 4 months...but perhaps now with a little less fear.
I'm sure I'll have more to say on this topic later, but I think I'm done for now. I must sleep.
*Dances off into the twilight, singing Donna Summers' 'I Feel Love'*
